Letter to a friend

For days, I have been writing this letter to you

Words spining in my head

Bitter words between two strangers

 

Too afraid of what words would come out

Of undressing my soul to your unwilling eyes

Afraid of losing a friend I have yet to make

 

By my own agenda I have been blinded

Yet again by my own game, I was cheated

From my own mind chaos, I ran to perdition

 

For days, I wondered and pondered

If I can make it through

If I can be a good friend to you

 

For days, I have sighed and waited

For the words you will never say

For an answer, a give away

 

By my own accord, I keep suffering

Masochistic nature allowing status quo

Dichotomy of the heart and the mind

 

Reconciling feelings unrequited,

Expectations bound to be disappointed.

Heartbreak of a relationship that never was.

 

To continue living a lie and wish to quiet my heart,

To fear of missing out on the wonderful things you have yet to bring

Turning this dilemma in my head to a solution where there is no win

 

To a letter, that may never be written

Words, you may never know.

This heartbreak I shall bear on my own

Uneven ground of the heart

I can’t trust my feelings

I can’t trust my heart content

I can’t trust what’s in my head

 

Lying voices haunting me

Your face blurred in the mind chaos

I can’t find the true North of my heart

 

It always point back to you

Head full of you,

Full of a life that will never be

 

Living a life of endless lies

Skin crackling from stretched grins

Dead eyes under the shadows

 

Unbairn babies crying in the dark

The screams of my mind so loud

As loud as the Banshee inside me

 

Uneven ground

Dizzy spell

I wait for the words you shall never say

Brain dump 1

You here

Me there

Separated by more than an ocean

 

Light years apart

In my mind

In my heart

 

Feelings uncompromised

Complicated lifeness

 

Worlds upside down

My head is spinning

 

Full of you

Full of us

Full of things that will never be

 

We speak the same language

Yet we can’t understand each other

Chronic pains of the mind

Drowning in my thoughts,
Slipping into this mind chaos.

The silence is so loud,
My mind is splitting up.

You may be trapped in your body,
But this mind is my prison,
Everlasting executioner.

Alone in this darkness,
I spin, restless.

I slap, I cut, I scream,
Physical marks of a ghost,
Of a madness that can’t be named.

However deep are the wounds,
It can’t rival the agony of the mind,
the feasting of the ghoul.

I cry in the day,
Scream in my sleep,
For no rest I am granted.

Shadows always by my side,
Ever present, I can hardly breathe,
I have nowhere to hide.

Unaware of it all,
You don’t know the depth of it,
Safe behind your self-righteous walls.

But I tired of this mask,
Exhausted from this charade,
If you could only ask,
Maybe I wouldn’t be so afraid.

I wished you cared enough to hear my voice
I wish I could bare you my soul,
By cracking this skull open for you to see,
How all the shadows have taken control of me.