Some people say they write to shut the voices in their heads. Mine tend to do the opposite. As soon as I get in front of the computer, I am overwhelmed by a waves of excuses and exhaustion. My eyes burn. My mind goes blank. Just to spite me. To keep me in this mind prison. Focus left a long time ago, I guess he couldn’t keep up with this non-sense. With the chronic pains of this debilitating mind.
Since I joined Twitter, I have met a lot of writers, made a few friends. Some accomplished authors, others in progress. Some mindblows me with their focus and discipline. Most of them share this terrifying problems; self-doubts and lack of confidence. This seems pretty common among artists of the words. I am not immune.
So what do you do when you project yourself into writing, have a decent amount of good ideas, but stand still for fear of failing into the void. Overwhelmed by the sea of writers. Waves of ideas going around. An impressive amount of people wording your thoughts in a much better way. An uncooperating mind that will not be willed into putting the words down.
The mind chaos controlling your every thoughts. This chaos that render you exhausted as you have yet to exit the bed. The constant comparison. The doubts. The loneliness of this mind prison.
I know the door is unlocked. Comparisons are harmful. The only things that matter is to put the words down and make sense of them later.
But nothing makes sense anymore. I can’t recognize my own voice in the spining chaos. Maybe I never did.